


Not Another Crash and Burn

by Taggerung



Category: A-Team (2010)
Genre: 5 and 1 fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-27
Updated: 2012-10-26
Packaged: 2017-11-17 02:59:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/546911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taggerung/pseuds/Taggerung
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times that Murdock didn't crash a helicopter and the one time he did + Musical numbers!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stand

**Author's Note:**

> AN – This is a bit of a mix up of a couple of different prompts from the meme. Hope you dig. Also, I know literally nothing about anything that flies, so I’m kind of winging it. Just put it to magic if I say something that isn’t possible. I mean, it is Murdock….
> 
> So, you know the drill, you recognize it, I sure as hell don’t own it. The lyrics used aren’t mine either. Pretty much all of this doesn’t belong to me and I’m only playing with them.

Captain James “H. M.” Murdock looked around at his new home. It was odd being out of the hospital and having people depend on him again. He hummed contentedly on the cot he’d been given.

 

  
This wasn’t necessarily what he thought would happen when Colonel John Hannibal Smith broke him out of the hospital in Mexico. Actually, he would have to place all that on Bosco because if he hadn’t have been pulled into the room to help him, Murdock would have been attempting another “escape”.  
He didn’t belong in the hospitals. Didn’t belong locked up and grounded in some cage. Murdock belonged in the sky where, for a little while, everything made sense. The need to be someone else was gone and he could exist in his truest form. The doctors loved that line. They put all kinds of diagnosis and pills with statements like that.

 

 

“Would you shut up, fool! Your humming is making me want to kill you!” Bosco called out from his corner of the large tent.

 

“What are you humming Murdock? I can’t recognize the tune but, I know I’ve heard the song.” That was Faceman. He doesn’t respond to either of them this time. Normally, he’d go into a long ramble about what the song was and where he heard it and which puppet liked it better but, tonight, everything hurt too much. Coming off all the medications and electroshock therapy was throwing his body for a loop and he didn’t have the energy to play the lovable mad man tonight.  
Instead, he remained quiet and waited for the other two to sleep. Eventually, he heard Face sigh and roll over. After that, snores filled the air and he risked moving. He stood slowly and picked up his boots before sneaking out. Outside of the tent, he shrugged into the stiff new boots Hannibal gave him and walked a bit to try and clear the fog settling.

 

 

  
He hated coming off the pills almost as much as taking them. Taking them slowed his thoughts down. Made him sloppy in the sky. Made him feel like the most important part of him was buried twenty feet deep and he’d never feel the sun on his face and the wind in his hair again. Coming off the pills was a mix of speed and sluggish pain. His body took a beating from the withdrawals. But, slowly, surely, he was beginning to feel like a normal human being again. Now, if only he could convince Hannibal to give him some flight time.

 

 

  
He smiled to himself, remembering the helicopter. It’s such a good thought that he starts humming again. He was quiet because he didn’t want to disturb the two men sleeping in the tent behind him. He starts singing softly to himself. His grandparents always loved hearing him sing. They said it was the best way to know how he felt. His voice was a little dusty from misuse but, it was still a pleasant smoky country boy voice.

 

 

“Cause when push comes to shove  
You taste what you're made of  
You might bend, till you break  
Cause its all you can take  
On your knees you look up  
Decide you've had enough  
You get mad you get strong  
Wipe your hands shake it off  
Then you stand….”

 

 

  
“Captain, what are you doing?” The Colonel’s voice was gentle and made Murdock feel safe. This man trusted him when everyone else was prepared to let him rot. For that alone, Murdock knew he had to speak. To talk to this brilliant man who was giving him his soul back.

 

 

“Trying to clear my head, sir.”

 

 

  
“You should be sleeping Murdock. Tomorrow morning will come early and I want you prepared. You’ve got to show off some of those flying skills.” To fly again! The thought made him close his eyes in amazement.

 

 

  
“Hannibal, how did you convince them to let me stay? I’m not going to get packed up here soon am I?” His voice was tough and pulled from the depths of his current nightmares. To be this close to the sky and pushed away from it would destroy his hopes. A hand fell on his shoulder and he met Hannibal’s eyes.

 

 

“I pulled some strings. You’ve got another week before you have to pass a psych eval but, as long as you can clear it, you can stay. I know how intelligent you are Captain and I know how good you are at convincing others. I think, this time, it would be in your best interest to convince everyone that you are stable.” Hannibal was offering him the chance to be important, to fly, for his agreement to be normal for some psych evals. No problem. He’s been pretending to be crazy for a long time. Adding some sanity to that would be easy. And now, he has a reason to.

 

 

“Thank you for believing in me.” The voice that came from his chest was barely a whisper.

 

 

“Get some sleep kid. You’re going to need it.”

 

 

Murdock dreamed of flying.

 

The next morning found Murdock standing near an old training chopper and a newer model. A bunch of higher ranking officers had given him the once over in his borrowed, baggy clothes given to him by Face and he saw the disapproval. Behind the officers, a larger group of off duty soldiers watched intensely. He had a feeling that they were here to see who the colonel was fighting so hard to keep. It almost brought him down from the high of being able to fly again. The looks weighed heavily and tried to drag him back to the ground. He held his head high instead and told the judgments to go fuck themselves. He belonged in the air. Gravity was such a bitch sometimes.

 

 

  
He ignored them and walked to the helicopter they pointed at. He went through the long pre-flight check that he didn’t have time to do in Mexico. He checked the engine and the spots on this model that wore faster than the other models. Everything looked good so, he closed the hatch and waited for someone to say something to him.

 

 

  
Some hotshot looking fly boy in a flight suit walked over. The officers smiled and preened at him and some part of Murdock wanted to be sick. The man smiled back and did his own quick check on the newer model chopper.

 

 

  
“Good, Captain, we want you to run through some exercises with Captain Murdock here. We’d like to see how well he can fly.” Murdock almost snorted at that but, seeing Hannibal give him a warning look made him push the crazy to the side. The pet pilot walked over and offered his hand. Murdock forced himself to play normal and shook back as the kid introduced himself as Captain Jared Thomson. He heard himself respond rather jauntily with “H.M. Howlin’ Mad Murdock at your service” and caught Hannibal’s stare gamely. He might have to behave but, he wasn’t going to let them use his call sign against him later so, he was going to claim it then. Besides, pilots who knew what they were about would introduce themselves with their tag as well as their name.

 

 

  
“Alright, Captain, the officers want me to have you follow me through some maneuvers. We’ll start easy and move to the difficult sections.” His tone spoke volumes to Murdock. Made him clench his teeth at the sound of someone who dismissed him because he didn’t color inside of the lines. Some of the voices, the stronger ones that dig faster, howled for blood. He forced it down with a smile and a shrug. Staying silent was the easiest way of convincing others that he was sane.

 

 

“I’m ready when you are.” Murdock’s drawl pulled some of the syllables and he saw the Captain’s flash of “He’s a stupid southerner”. You’d think by this time, those yankees would learn something about manners. He stopped caring when he stepped into the helicopter. He could fly this baby in his sleep.

 

 

  
He pulled his headset on and voice checked with the flyboy wannabe next to him, the General of the base, one of the office pressed pricks, and Hannibal. The chopper next to him took to the air with a little jerk and he followed with more finesse. Kid didn’t even know when to let off and give her a squeeze like helicopters enjoyed the most. He followed the kid through some basic maneuvers that wouldn’t get shit done in the field and was all about showing off. The maneuvers that followed stretched the kid’s ability but, Murdock was barely warming up when the desk officer said they were finished here.

 

 

  
“But, I didn’t get to really fly,” was out of his mouth before he could temper it.

 

 

  
“What are you talking about?” The fly boy was breathing harder and he grimaced at the thought of such a pansy ass bitch saying he was a pilot.  
“Colonel, let me fly.” There was a larger crowd of soldiers and Murdock didn’t care about the pleading tone his voice had.

 

 

 

  
“Alright. Captain Thomson, come down and give Captain Murdock the airspace.” The General’s voice was calm and Murdock almost howled. He kept it in check and waited, patiently, for the other pilot to set down and climb out. He wanted that pretty boy to see what flying looked like.

 

 

  
“Captain, I’d like to see you go through the moves the Colonel told me you pulled in Mexico.” The General’s voice again. Murdock smiled widely.  
“Anything you say General.” Murdock pushed his stick farther in, building up some speed circling his airspace section and got a good feel for the bird. She was a spunky thing and he knew that he could give the General one better than just what he did in Mexico. He caught himself humming again but, didn’t stop it. It was better than howling he supposed. When he was ready, he and the bird made their first 360 turn horizontally just like Mexico. Immediately after, he banked the bird hard to the left and jammed it into a climb. When he got the altitude he wanted, he flipped the switches, feeling the engine go lifeless under him and felt the fall. He turned the engine on when he heard the gasps and went back up to altitude.

 

 

  
“You boys wanna see something cool?” He didn’t wait for an answer, just flipped the bird into a vertical barrel roll without leveling off. He preformed two of the loop-de-loops and banked the bird again. He caught himself before he howled and realized he had to set down unless he wanted them to know where the “howlin” part of his nickname came in. He brought the chopper down slowly and settled her gently on the ground wishing he could stay up there all the time. He was tired in a good way and didn’t feel so shaky when he stepped out.

 

 

  
“Excellent flying Captain.” Murdock smiled at Hannibal and opens his mouth to thank the man when the wannabe ran his mouth.

 

 

  
“Where did you learn to fly like that? That helicopter shouldn’t be able to do that! You should have crashed!” Murdock turned his head and could see that the kid was jealous. He looked at the officers in front of him, waiting for him to screw up so they could shove more pills down his throat. He looked at Face who smiled a real smile at him and he found his answer.

 

 

  
“I’m a Ranger. I was born knowin’ howda do the impossible.” Face’s smile grew even larger and Hannibal put his hand on his shoulder.

 

 

  
“See General, I want the best for my team.” Hannibal’s words warmed Murdock and for a minute, he felt valuable. “Captain Murdock can fly better than anyone I’ve ever seen before.”

 

 

  
The suits left with the fly boy and the General smiles at both of them. “Good job Captain. I think you impressed quite a few people today.” Face’s hand fell on his other shoulder and Murdock relished the feeling of belonging. The Colonel and General left together and the crowd departed with them.

 

 

  
“Come on, we’ll go show B.A. that you aren’t dead. Maybe we can rustle up some beers.” Murdock looked at Face and nodded. What Murdock really wanted was to get back into the plane and stay in the sky forever. Barring that, sleeping sounded like a better plan than hanging out with a self proclaimed conman and a man that threatened to kill him on a regular basis. But, he was sure Hannibal like that team dynamic so, he decided he’d play nice.

 

 

  
“I missed your howling.” Face was smiling as he said it but, it didn’t reach his eyes. Murdock was shocked.

 

 

  
“What?” The word was out before he could stop it. He needed to get a better grip on his tongue today he supposed.

 

 

  
“When we flew in Mexico, every time you did something crazy, you howled.” That time, his eyes filled with warmth. Murdock was shocked. No one had paid that much attention to him in a long time unless it was to prescribe something.

 

 

  
“That’s how I got my nickname. On one of my first missions, the intel was bad and a missile got too close and when I dodged it last second by stalling the chopper and letting us fall, I supposedly howled the whole way down. They said I was mad to turn it off that close to the ground so, the boys I was transporting called me Howlin’ Mad.” He looked at the man next to him wanting him to believe it and not the vicious rumors that started afterwards. The ones that said he only got his nickname because he was crazy. Because he was actually nuts. Just because he didn’t color inside of their damn boxes. Because he took chances no one else would. But damn, any idiot could look at his record and say he was the best in the sky. He just wasn’t all there on the ground.


	2. Unwell

Murdock knows crazy. Knows it when he sees it because everyone thinks he’s crazy. And he is. No doubt about that. But, they think he’s the silly crazy. The anti-reality crazy. And he supports that. Says things, pretends to be things that make everyone pay attention to that side of crazy. He thinks Face and Hannibal might think that he’s not actually crazy and BA knows he’s hiding things but, it’s safer this way.

 

 

  
Pretending to be crazy makes the real insanity of it all seem less daunting. Instead of dwelling on what happened to him the one time Murdock’s ever been shot down and couldn’t escape, he put on a puppet show. The doctors said he was blocking. Murdock knows that he’s coping with it. Watching the team of kids (God who sends 20 year olds to war?) he was sent to protect and bring home safely die because that day, he wasn’t the best pilot, that screwed with a man. He was a Ranger and there was nothing he could have done for those kids. That kills him when he thinks about it. When he sees their faces in his nightmares asking him why he didn’t save them.

 

  
He knows what’s wrong with him. Post War Trauma. The doctors come up with more inventive diagnosis but, he knows that this, the flashbacks, the memory loss, his need to pretend that everything is okay, all of it can be traced back to that month of hell. He knows he’s never really been “sane”, always doing things his way and pushing the limits but, he was a good soldier. Top of his class, a Master degree holder. A Ranger. Just, at the time, he was only a little eccentric. It was kind of a calling card.

 

  
During that month though, one kid a week dying, with nothing he could do to stop it (and he did try, the medical records he left when they got out of there showed the torture he went through trying to save those stupid kids) he lost hold on the eccentric and fell into the crazy. When they took the last kid (David Williams, 20, blond hair, brown eyes, about 5’10” and maybe 120 lbs when he died, a girl back home who sent him letters signed with x’s and o’s like that song) he snapped. That last week he was there, before those soldiers (who couldn’t show up any fucking faster and maybe saved that brave kid who didn’t deserve this shit) “saved” him, he lost grip with reality. With everything because he knew he’d never really get away from that sand pit (and he didn’t, the taste of the bitter, bloody sand stays at the back of his throat when things get rough).

 

  
His records say when the soldiers hit the base, some of the insurgents grabbed him to use him as a bartering tool. They go on to say that he started laughing when they held the gun to his head. The man writing the report said it was the most haunted thing he’d ever heard but, that got docked because it wasn’t “official”. Said the men holding him made to strike him, tried to shut him up but, he turned and killed the three of them with his bare hands. The record shows that one of the guns did fire into his shoulder and that was added to all the other wounds he received.

 

  
Not that it mattered if he had gotten shot with the encounter or not. Murdock remembers none of it. The day before and the day after, he has. The day they pulled him out of that sand filled hellhole, he doesn’t have. The doctor says it’s because he doesn’t want to remember. His file says it might have something to do with the sedative they tried to give him. He thinks it’s because on that day, he was remade. Kind of like a first birthday.

 

  
The first three weeks were quiet. Some voices started emerging but, he healed up well. Two months later, he was released to light fly duty. They needed a good pilot and he was the best they had. He did his missions and yeah, he’d been shot at. Yes, he crashed a few times pretty safely close to the base. But, that was all part of it. Part of the job. As long as he didn’t go down without a fight (like that one time) he was fine. A little more eccentric (crazier) than normal but, everyone acknowledged he was a damn good pilot. Especially when he howled. But then, he got shot down again still in enemy territory. After that event, he got hospitalized.  
In Mexico, he realized there were two types of crazy. The functioning but eccentric crazy that would get him made fun of when he came back but, allowed him to fly and the cold dark crazy that got those men out of enemy territory after being shot down. The crazy that got him put here, complete with doctors, people who thought they knew more about what happened than he did, and those goddamned pills. The pills that clipped his wings and made him no longer exist. The “treatments” that looked a lot like what they called torture stateside. But, he was a Ranger. Rangers did not quit because shit sucked. So, he copied the people around him.

 

  
Started covering the dark, bad crazy with the light hearted crazy that made the doctors leave him alone. Made the nurses smile at him and overlook his escape attempts. They thought he was cute and safe and not dangerous at all. It took a few months of good behavior but, they bought it. Learning how to have a nightmare without screams helped. The staff learning to let him wake up by himself and not touching him without being in his line of sight helped more. Murdock was no fool. He wasn’t crazy in the way they thought but, he wasn’t going to be kept from the sky.

 

  
He wanted to “recover” slowly so they’d think they “fixed” all the bad. He figured it would be about a year and then he’d be gone. Back in the sky where he belonged. The CIA kept tags on him he knew. They’d let him fly for them until he could get back to his beloved Rangers.

 

  
And then, the lightning bolt. Getting pulled out early but Hannibal Smith. Tasting the sky again. God it was like coming home. He howled that mission for joy. It wasn’t particularly difficult, the pilot behind them was a novice compared to him but, the pills slowed him down so, it turned out to be kind of a close fight. It would have been closer but, he’d been palming his meds for about a week so, he wasn’t that far buried.

 

  
Being out of the hospital was, without a doubt, one of the best things the A-Team had done for him. If staying out of the hospital meant playing nice with those two, he’d do it. He’d do anything to impress Hannibal Smith and stay the fuck out of those hospitals with their damned doctors.

 

  
Not all of them were bad mind you. He made some progress with his actual problems while there so, there was some improvement. He knew how to properly medicate himself so he wouldn’t have the worst symptoms but didn’t feel like a piece of paper drifting. He made some friends both among the patients and the staff. But, it was still a cage. A cage that wanted him drugged out of his mind, not functional.

 

  
He pops the two pills he has to take every day, without fail for the week of his test. He refuses to take more than the bare necessity but, agrees with the doctors that he needs something to help slow him down some. It takes some of the bite out of him and makes it to where he can pass the psych eval. It’s not a perfect score but, they are willing to admit he’s better now than any of the time spent locked up. So, he gets to stay.

 

  
He’s humming with relief when he leaves and joins the others, Hannibal (looking proud), Face (a little anxious), and BA (who looks like he spent too much time contemplating the universe or something). He’s smile goes ear to ear and the tent erupts into cheers.

 

  
“Congrats buddy!” Face and him really hit it off after his flight test. The guy was friendly and had scored him some new belongings and his old effects in honor of his success. He found it in his heart to forgive the “freak show” comment and placed it under stress.

 

  
“This calls for a celebration!” Hannibal looked so proud and he preened under the positive attention. This man was a leader. He knew how to inspire and create and Murdock knows in his heart that he’d die for this man.

 

  
“You still crazy.” B.A.’s smiling at him, that soft quirk at the lips that Murdock’s knows is his widest smile at something alive. He’s even started to warm up to the big guy and his death threats. Inside of Bosco is a lot of warmth.

 

  
“Alright Captain, how would you like to celebrate?” He thinks about it and his first image of flying is probably not going to happen.

 

  
“How about some steaks and beer?” He’s not a huge fan of beer but, nothing can get more wholesome American solider than that so, he figures it’s probably what they had in mind. Face and B.A. fist bump and Hannibal nods. “I can cook them if we can get them.”

 

  
“You can cook?” Hannibal looks at him curiously and he can’t help but smiling.

 

  
“Pretty well actually.” Hannibal gets a thoughtful look on his face and Murdock stands a little straighter. What’s going on?

 

  
“We’ll discuss that one later. For tonight, I’ve arranged some food and drinks for us here.” He had a twinkle in his eye that made Murdock feel like there was something thrumming in Hannibal’s soul. Whatever. Steaks tonight. He’d worry about why he felt that saying that he could cook was going to end badly later.  
After the meal, he sat back and strummed his guitar. Face didn’t tell him how he’d managed to get his personal effects from Mexico but, he was so happy to have his guitar back. As he sat there, playing gently, Hannibal and Face discussed the newest mission the General wanted them to run. It would be a good team building mission according to Hannibal. Easy and not time sensitive. Something they could work up to after a quick assessment of skills. Murdock could tell they meant him and B.A. It was obvious that they didn’t know what either of them could do. B.A. looked physically impressive and was obviously an impressive mechanic and driver. They knew Murdock could fly but, that was the extent of what they knew he could do. His records were pretty impressive and he was a Ranger but, he knew they were a little sketchy on his hand to hand.

 

  
He couldn’t wait to show them what he could do. He was good in the fighting pits because everyone underestimated him. He’d always had a wiry frame and couldn’t build up muscle like Face and B.A but, he was quick and had kept up a fairly intensive work out program in the hospital. He was still out of shape though, what with the days that he couldn’t move due to restraints or drugs but, it would come back quickly.

 

  
Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t realize immediately that he was singing along to the strumming. When he realized the guys were staring at him, he paid more attention to what he was doing. Ah shit. He was singing that song. He stopped. Staring. Waiting.

 

  
“You’ve got a nice voice son.” Hannibal’s voice was soft and comforting. He felt like the man was talking to a scared animal. He supposed the look of shock on his face when he realized what he was singing would have done it.

 

  
“That’s the song you were humming the other night. I knew I recognized it. It was on the radio a lot.” Face didn’t have the same hesitation. He seemed pretty cool with it happening.

 

  
“You could keep singing fool.” B.A. was looking at him with a thoughtful expression and he figured what it couldn’t hurt. He struck the chords that he wanted and sang along to one of the few songs he held onto for the truth of it.

 

  
“All day, staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall.

 

 

  
All night, hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep cause tomorrow might be good for something  
Hold on, I'm feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown and I don't know why.  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
I know, right now you can't tell but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
a different side of me.  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired. I know, right now you don't care  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me and how I used to be me.”

 

 

  
The song echoed into the night and he felt like he was exposed to these three men. The next song he played was some pop song in Spanish. Something undemanding and significantly less meaningful. After it was over, B.A. and Face made their excuses and retreated.

 

  
Hannibal, however, leaned closer and looked at him. It was like the hospital all over again. He was looking through Murdock as if every little bit of him was exposed. He wanted to fidget, to move, to run far, far away from these steely eyes until nothing mattered. Instead, he sat still and faced the man who saved him.  
“That was a good song kid.” Murdock mumbled something incomprehensible as he dropped his head and hoped Hannibal would take it as an affirmation. Or decide Murdock was no longer worthy of his presence. That would be more like Murdock’s luck.

 

  
“Captain.” He looked up reluctantly, waiting for the blow of disappointment. “I’m planning on staying awhile.” Hannibal’s gaze kept Murdock stuck. His words were a blow alright but, he felt lighter after those few words than he’s ever felt before. Was Hannibal saying that he agreed? He stared, shocked.

 

  
“Good night Murdock.” The Colonel patted his shoulder and left leaving Murdock staring ahead holding on to his guitar gently.

 

 

The next day found the four of them going down the pit. He knew this was coming and worn an older tee-shirt and some loose khakis. After the jog there, his muscles were loose and ready.

 

  
“Alright B.A., you and I are going first.” B.A. and Hannibal stepped in and sized each other up. It was a battle of strength versus wit after that. B.A. knew what he was doing in a fight and was strong but, Hannibal was quick and had more experience. He was no weakling either. Murdock watched the fight appreciating the fact that it was a close match. Eventually, that gleam popped into Hannibal’s eye and he pulled some insane move, tumbling B.A. into the dirt hard. After that, Hannibal jumped into position and forced the corporal to admit defeat.

 

  
Hannibal helped B.A. up and the man had a new respect in his eyes for the Colonel. Hannibal nodded at Face and he stepped into the pit with B.A. The two seemed evenly matched for awhile but, B.A. had the staying power. He ended up penning Face with a move similar to the one Hannibal used on him.

 

  
“Excellent B.A. Murdock, are you prepared for a round?” An instant of hot red rage flew through him. He knew the question was supposed to be nice but, he was a Ranger damnit. He didn’t want to be treated like glass.

 

  
“Ready when you are, sir.” He spouted out, trying to hide the rage. He was going to put this man on his back if it killed him. He was not some invalid.  
The men that gathered around to watch the legendary Hannibal Smith put his new boys in their places would leave both satisfied and impressed when the smaller, lanky, crazy pilot managed win.

 

  
The fight started off badly. Murdock knew Hannibal was holding back. Not just holding back the killing edge of the fight but, treating him with more care and concern than B.A. That fueled his rage. He was so tired of being underestimated! So, he played the victim. Stayed back and dodged. Until Hannibal got sloppy. And then he went in. Placed a few solid punches before Hannibal realized this was serious. Pushed harder when Hannibal started upping his game. And finally, succeeded by flipping his legs out from underneath him and slamming him face first into the dirt. His elbow dug harder than it probably should have into the fleshy spot between spine and shoulder blade. His head was right next to Hannibal’s ear so he could use his body weight to hold him down.

 

  
“Let’s not underestimate the crazy next time.” He whispered the words and felt Hannibal stiffen under him. Louder, he asked, “Do you give?” Hannibal nodded, breathing heavy and Murdock hopped to his feet before offering his hand. He saw the gleam before Hannibal took his hand and had a moment to tense before he was thrown. He landed hard but, was prepared when Hannibal jumped him. His legs curled up and he caught Hannibal in his lower ribs with his feet, shoving him before he could get a hold. He bounced up to his feet before Hannibal and dropped down low, waiting. Hannibal rushed him but, Murdock didn’t let him pull him in. He took the first blow to the side of his arm and the second to his shoulder.

 

  
After the second, he managed to get inside Hannibal’s guard and dropped three successful hits before dodging back out. He got cuffed once, sharply, on his way out and shook his head to clear the ringing. Hannibal circled him and Murdock let him get behind him, showing no fear. When Hannibal tried to take advantage of his turned back, Murdock lashed out with a hard left, dodging the majority of the Colonel’s lunge. The rest of it, he used in coordination with his right hand and both feet to dump the Colonel back on the ground. This time, his hands had the Colonel’s arms twisted behind his back. His left foot was planted in his lower back while his right foot shored up his balance.

 

  
“Do you yield?” Murdock’s voice was gravelly at this point. It was rough around the edges and the Colonel nodded again. “Not good enough, Colonel. You nodded last time. Do you yield?” Murdock could make out a slight smile at the edge of those lips.

 

  
“I yield Captain.” The voice was rough and tight. Murdock watched the words blow sand out. He let Hannibal up again and helped him to his feet. This time, there was no glimmer. Instead, pride and a bit of shame was locked into those steel eyes. Murdock’s eyes were fierce and unrelenting.

 

  
“Why don’t we head back to the tent? If you can beat me, you’d be able to take out the other two. And besides, I’m going to have to ice this shoulder. You’ll have to show me how you did that move at the end.” Face laughs and B.A. just stares at him. He holds his head up though and refuses to let anyone see weakness. He’s a Ranger. Even if he has to put every man in this unit on their back until they believe it. Pity is not acceptable.

 

  
“Sounds good.” The people surrounding them stare at Murdock with a mix of awe and astonishment in their eyes. He knows this won’t change anything and at some point, the Colonel will have been “just taking it easy on the nut job” but, Hannibal will think twice about taking it easy on him again.  
They make it back to the tent and the Colonel pulls Murdock to his office. He nods at Face and B.A. as they go to clean up, leaving him with the Colonel. Hannibal looked at Murdock closely.

 

  
“You know, I didn’t mean to offend you.” Hannibal’s voice was soft and sincere which made it all the worse.

 

  
“Did you not believe me when I told you I was a Ranger?” Murdock dropped his hand to his shirt sleeve and yanked it up, revealing the tattoo. “These aren’t given away!” The Captain is panting with his anger when Hannibal lays a hand on the tattoo.

 

  
“I believed you. You’re part of my team now. That means, I’m going to try and keep all of you boys safe. Sometimes, I won’t do it right. But, my goal, at all times, is to keep you boys safe.” Hannibal’s voice is soft and warm and Murdock’s rage is fading. “I’m sorry.” Those two words ended his irritation.

 

  
“It’s alright. I just hate being underestimated, you know? Everyone thinks “Oh Murdock’s crazy, he’s not really capable” when that’s not the case. Yeah, I have problems and none of them have to do with normal things but, my crazy doesn’t stop me from being a damn good Ranger.” He met Hannibal’s eyes, willing the man to believe him.

 

  
“I know that. Murdock, Captain, I wouldn’t have you here if I didn’t think you were the best.” Hannibal smiled at him. “Why don’t you go join the boys and get some rest? We are going on our first mission in a few days and I’ll need you ready to go.”

 

  
Murdock nodded his agreement and left the room as Hannibal fell heavily into his chair. God, he hurt all over. But, it was the best pain. He knew he hadn’t made a mistake on the wild-eyed Captain.

 

 

No one talks about his fight with the Colonel for the next two days. Instead, they are all getting ready for their mission. Murdock is flying a sweet baby and the mission is supposed to be cake. No crazy escape plan, no danger, just a simple fly here, get off the bird, get the stuff, get back on the bird, and come home. Of course, after saying all of that, the mission was absolutely required to go to hell.

 

  
It’s not until he’s got the guys back into the plane after laying down suppressive fire that he’s really swearing. This is not good. It looks like Face has taken a glancing blow, Bosco is bleeding from a bullet wound in the arm, and the bossman looks shocked. It’s good to know that the fucking ridiculous intel they got still shocked him.

 

  
Bosco is cussing and swearing about being in a plane but, his hands are quick on fastening himself in.

 

  
“You boys in?” He asks as he lifts the plane praying he can get it back to the base in one piece. The answering remarks set him at ease and he flies that baby as far away from those nasty people and their nasty guns. He thinks this might be okay until there is a sound from behind him. He whipped his head around and cringed.  
“Fuck! Hot chopper out the back and one at the two o’clock. Hang on gents, this is going to get unfortunate!” He howls for good measure, just to reassure the crowd in the back and gets serious when the missiles start coming. He dodges the first two with practice ease. The third bounces them a bit but, he’s still going. He’s got to beat these fuckers back closer to the base. Bosco’s screaming bloody murder in the back.

 

  
“Boss, knock him out. I can’t do this with him screaming!” Murdock is tense and his voice has dropped an octave. They can hear him cussing a mile long streak as he tries to outmaneuver two choppers. A sharp smack is heard and the screaming stopped.

 

  
“Shit. Shit. Shitshitshitshitshitshit” The two in the back can hear his words as he manages to flip the baby upside down, turning it into a hard bank. He’s dodged everything they’ve thrown at them but, he’s not going to be able to make it. There’s nothing to hide in, no trees or mountains or anything he can use out here.  
When a missile just misses at a last minute jerk, he decides enough is enough. One of these birds behind him has to go. So, his hands flip on the controls. He’s flipping the weapons up and deciding which is the easiest way to do this. He glances behind him again and sees his opening. FNG’s that they are, they are flying too close. If he can flip the bird, fire off a few shots, he could probably bring both of them down. It’s risky, dangerous, and if he doesn’t do it right, they are probably all dead. If he doesn’t do it, they are probably going to be shot down. He grabs his mike preparing.

 

  
“This is your Captain speaking, we are about to perform some maneuvers that are out of my pay grade of crazy. Please, make sure your seat belt is well fastened, the doors are locked, and pray.” With that, his hands flip to work, he jams the bird around hard, wincing at her disapproval. He makes a tight half circle, flips off the motor to fall away from the next set of missiles, and fires the gun at the chopper on the left howling as loud as he can. After the bullets leave, counted by seconds fired, he restarts the plane before they crash down. He timed it just right and the bird fell into its partner, taking both out of the sky. He can’t dodge the missile that hits close enough to the side of the plane that some serious damaged is caused though.

 

  
He circles the bird back to the base, blinking through the smoke and pain from the impact.

 

  
“Everyone still alive back there?” his voice is rough but, he feels relief when his two passengers answer back.

 

  
“We all are fine. Can you get this baby back to the base?” Face’s voice sounds so good over his headset and he smiles.

 

  
“I’m going to try.” He’s in an excruciating amount of pain and the plane’s not doing much better but, he can tell that the majority of the damage is up at the cockpit. He’s lucky his hands know what they are doing or else he’d be dead.

 

  
When the plane finally touches down on the base, they’ve got a med evac waiting. And someone to put the plane out. They have to pull him out of the cockpit because the metal door that was holding him in is twisted and burned. He’s got some injuries but, nothing that will kill him so, he figures that’s good enough. Hannibal gives the General a look that could burn down houses when he climbs out of the chopper holding the files he managed to snag while being shot at.  
Bosco is pulled out and Face walks out. All four of them end up in the med tent but, he’s there the longest. He considers trying to sleep in the sterile room but, that wasn’t happening. He can’t relax and the nurses are starting to take notice of the twitch. God, he hates these places.

 

  
“Hey son, that was some amazing flying there.” Hannibal’s voice pulls him out of his darkness and he feels warmth settle over him. Hannibal notices the twitch and looks at him curiously.

 

  
“Would you bring me my kit?” He blurts out the sentence knowing that Hannibal, of all people, would know what he wants.

 

  
“Sure kid. Where’s it at?” He tells him where he last saw it and sighs in relief when the man walks out of the room to bring him his peace.

 

  
He’s back quickly and hands Murdock the medium sized bag. He digs through the pills he doesn’t need and grabs the bottle that promises instant relief. He takes the pill dry while Hannibal watches and for once, he’s not ashamed.

 

  
“I get weird in hospitals sometimes.” His voice was short, waiting for the awkward ship that was coming.

 

  
“I can understand that. Did they tell you about your injures?” Murdock was a little shocked about the lack of awkward in the boss’s voice. That was new. Generally whenever he mentioned any of his crazy, he got stared at and some form of “Sorry”.

 

  
“They picked some glass out from the window, pull some metal from my leg, and I have some various bumps and bruises. The important things are still intact. What about the guys?” Murdock’s slender hands preformed a weak jazz hands at the statement.

 

  
“Bosco is all patched up and pissed. He said he was going to get food and a shower and then come see you. Face is good too. Which, I wouldn’t necessarily say a couple of bruised and broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder were under the various bumps and bruises category.” The Colonel was smiling and Murdock made a huffing laugh.

 

  
“I’ve had worse.” A haunted look crossed his face before the wave of no-feelings pressed down. He had a love/hate relationship with that pill. It made him fly higher than a kite but, the crash was hell. Every once in awhile though, it was good to not feel anything. Including the blackening depression of being wrapped up like a mummy in some sterile, colorless abyss.


	3. Mean

A year passed by with so much happiness Murdock didn’t think he was alive anymore. He was accepted among his team and they did incredible things with “the jazz.” He loved that name. It wasn’t insanity or crazy, it was the jazz. That gleam in Hannibal’s eye had a name and his manic control behind the wings had a name and Face’s ability to lie to anyone had a name and Bosco’s insane ability to build pretty much anything with the barest of pieces had a name. The jazz was a part of all four of them and it made them a perfect team.

 

  
Tonight, they were celebrating a mission that actually went according to the original plan in another base. That was impressive for them so, it was a great celebration. Bosco and Face had dragged him out to the local hotspot and things were actually going pretty well. It was more of an open courtyard then a club but, it was set up very casually and Murdock enjoyed the open air.

 

  
They had commandeered a section and Murdock was propped up with his guitar, strumming softly watching Face and Bosco drink. A group of the local soldiers were hanging around, listening to his playing and laughing at the A-team’s ridiculous stories.

 

  
He hated being away from home but, the bossman asked him if he’d help a team out tomorrow by flying them out. He said he’d go along to make sure everything went well so, Murdock couldn’t really refuse. Tomorrow, he’d fly the team out and bring them back. The day after, he’d be in front of the great grill the guys had gotten him for his birthday with Face sun bathing and B.A. fixing a bike close by.

 

  
During a colorful story about a girl in the last base, the good times ground to a halt. Another one of those damned mudsuckers with too little sense and too much mean walked over with a few of his buddies. They had drunken courage and he buried the part of him that howled for blood.

 

  
“Look, it’s Smith’s pets. The pretty princess, Barely Able, and the retard.” His voice was hard and Face jerked slightly. He hadn’t been paying attention.

 

“I told you we should’ve filled all of Black Company’s pillows with itching powder for that nickname B.A. but no you said. It wasn’t funny enough to catch on you said. Unfortunately, these new kids can’t tell the difference between funny and sad.” Face’s voice was staged loud enough to draw some attention. The man continued on, ignoring Face.

 

  
“I heard you’re taking the team out tomorrow retard. We don’t want you here, you fucking fairy. We’re real soldiers and don’t need some crazy ass Affirmative Action failure in here.” Murdock couldn’t help himself. He laughed long and hard at the idiot’s drunken words.

 

  
“Really? That’s the best you can do? Bravo. My hat’s off to you. That’s about as imaginative as a five year old.” Murdock’s voice kept breaking off in laughter as the spokesman of drunken group number who-remembers-how-many got upset. He strummed his guitar again, fingers cleverly finding a new tune. He cleared his voice and stared the man down, singing in a twang filled alto.

 

 

  
“And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game  
With that same big loud opinion but nobody's listening  
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things  
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing  
But all you are is mean  
All you are is mean  
and a liar  
and pathetic  
and alone in life  
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean  
But someday I'll be living in a big old city  
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah  
Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me  
And all you're ever gonna be is mean”

 

 

  
The crowd that was surrounding them laughed hard at his song. He finished the chorus and looked at the group of soldiers smiling. He was hoping they’d see that they were significantly outnumbered and back down but, he wasn’t that lucky.

 

  
“You aren’t big enough now.” Face saw the hard edge Murdock’s face took and he snagged B.A.’s hand when he went to move. He shook his head at the bigger man when Murdock stood up. There was no way these baby soldiers would be able to get the grip on Howlin’ Mad. There weren’t enough of them. But Face knew Murdock wouldn’t appreciate them jumping into a fight for him. He sat his guitar down and faced the guys again.

 

  
“Look guys, I’m giving you one last chance to really consider what you’re doing here. There’s three of you. All three of you are fresh over here. I’m older then the lot of you, more experienced, and far more deadly. I also have my two buddies. I wouldn’t let them in the fight though because that wouldn’t be fair. On the way back to our temporary home, I’d have to listen to B.A. here bitch about me not letting him into the fight. And then I’d have to explain to Hannibal why I put three guys in the med tent. That would pretty much ruin my night. And yours.”

 

  
He took a deep breath and looked at the boys. The two he brought for back up seemed to be sobering up quick and looked sheepish. It wasn’t their idea. The ringleader, however, pressed forward. Murdock grinned, hard angles and dangerous. He heard some quick inhales from the group and he knew they saw Ranger and not lovable nut job. The smaller one in the back broke first.

 

  
“I don’t want to fight. I’m sorry.” He stated it quickly and ran off. The second one quickly followed suit. The ringleader looked even angrier.

 

  
“How did a bully make it in?” Murdock’s voice was questioning. He’d have to talk to Hannibal about this. He could do some damage to someone else.

 

  
“Look fucko, just because my buddies aren’t here, I’m not afraid of you. What harm could a crazy person do?” His voice was cruel and hard. Murdock snapped back to the kid. What the hell was wrong with this kid?

 

  
“For one, that’s Captain Fucko to you as I outrank your sorry ass. For two, if you could actually take me baby, I’d be impressed. I’m a Ranger, not some kid fresh outta boot camp.” Murdock was getting bored with this. This guy was seriously starting to piss him off.

 

  
“Alright muchacho, let’s finish this. You are seriously boring me and I’ve got better things to do. Make it count.”

 

  
“Murdock?” That’s Face but, as the words are coming out, the baby soldier leans back to put his whole weight behind a punch. Murdock takes it in his shoulder instead of his nose and has the kid in a hold before he can comprehend how quick the pilot is. He shoves the kid down and stands back up to more laughter from the crowd.

 

  
“You got more kid, or are you done yet?” To Murdock’s annoyance, the kid comes up swinging. He grabs both arms and shoves his legs back forcing him to hover in a mock push up position with Murdock holding his arms. He drops them again, sighs, and waits.

 

  
The kid tries to lead with a kick but, telegraphed the move too much so, Murdock hopped back and waited. The kid struggled to his feet and spat blood. He glared at Murdock who just laughed.

 

  
“Fine freak show. You win.” He turned and walked out of the area to the jeers of his fellow soldiers.

 

  
“Well, that was boring as hell.” He grabbed his guitar again and started strumming. The mission tomorrow could go to hell as far as he was concerned. If Mr. Douchebag was on the plane, he’d make sure the ride was wild.

 

  
Conversation picked back up like it had never stopped and eventually the three of them went to bed.

 

 

The next morning, much to the amusement of Hannibal, Murdock showed up at the flight deck wearing khakis, his converse sneakers, and a black tank top with one of his loudest Hawaiian shirts. Hannibal was pretty sure that Face had forbidden him to wear that shirt again actually. Face and B.A. accompanied him looking grumpy. The commanding officer of the base just stared.

 

  
“Howlin’ Mad, reporting for duty sir.” His voice was properly polite and Hannibal wondered who pissed the boy off. Then he saw the team he was taking in and one of them had a black eye.

 

  
“That’s an interesting flight suit Captain.” Hannibal couldn’t hide the smile even if he wanted too.

 

  
“Figured the boys here would appreciate it.” His slow drawl sounded dangerous as he pointed to the kids with his thumb. “I was introduced to one of them last night and he told me how much he was looking forward to flying with Howlin’ Mad Airlines so, I figured we could give them a taste. Sir.” The “sir” was definitely an afterthought and Hannibal hummed.

 

  
“You get two barrel rolls that aren’t life threatening H.M. on the way back. No more.” He nodded, smiled at the transport and looked menacing.  
“You guys’ll have to thank that young man right there for telling me how excited he was to fly with me boys. You boyos get the full treat.” His smile was lopsided and the kids grumbled at the one Murdock pointed to. His Captain could be vicious.

 

 

The flight went as could be expected. Murdock howled a bit and generally screwed with the kids on the way there. They accomplished their goals and that’s when it got interesting. Murdock preformed both barrel rolls back to back and took a sick pleasure in about five minutes of the flight time vertical. After four minutes, the kids in the back started apologizing and hitting the man Murdock pointed out until he too apologized reluctantly. After that, Murdock was the gentle, polite man Hannibal knew he was.

 

  
As soon as they touched down, the kids were out, hugging the ground and trying not to vomit. Two of them didn’t succeed in keeping their stomachs. Their commanding officer laughed at the sight. Apparently, Face and B.A. told the man what had happened and he stayed to see the revenge.

 

“You’d’ve thought those kids thought we was goin’ crash.” His southern accent was pushed through harder on those words and Hannibal snorted. Hell, for a minute, he had considered throwing up. Of course, that was quickly covered with the knowledge that as long as Howlin’ Mad was behind the wheel, he had no need to fear.

 

  
He couldn’t wait to get back to the base after this nonsense. He got the full story from Face and Hannibal made a few calls for a few favors. Murdock didn’t need them to protect him but, he still got a vindictive thrill when the kid was put on the shit list for a good long while.

 

  
For now though, his boys were safely gathered in their area with Murdock performing some gun powder cooking, Face sunbathing with his feet in his pool, and B.A. tinkering on a bike. This was what life was all about for the Colonel.


	4. Could I be You?

Hannibal looked at the next mission they were being sent on. There was no way. This was crazy even for them! How was this going to happen? He didn’t even know how he was going to infiltrate the group. He stared at the orders and the map. He stared harder. He needed some other opinions.

 

  
Face and B.A. had nothing to add. He had to wait for Murdock because the pilot was currently doing his bimonthly “Howlin Mad’s Flying Class of Doom”. Rumor was some of the other branches were requiring it for their best pilots.

 

  
“What are you boys doin’?” Murdock’s voice made Hannibal jerk and look up. “Lost in thought bossman?”

 

  
“Trying to get the jazz on and figure this crazy snafu out.” Murdock leaned over the Colonel and read the mission report.

 

  
“That definitely is fubared.” His voice made his chest rumble and Hannibal was reminded yet again how sexy the pilot’s long body was.

 

  
“Any suggestions to jump start the jazz?” Hannibal forced himself to sound normal. He was John Fucking Hannibal Smith and falling in love with his gorgeous, intelligent, wonderfully refreshing Captain was not an Issue. Capital letter and all.

 

  
“Bell’s palsy.” Hannibal turned, looking concerned.

 

  
“What?” He forced his eyes up to Murdock’s instead of taking in his body.

 

  
“We could give Face a case of Bell’s palsy and sneak him in that way.” Hannibal looked down at the orders. That could work. Face could go in and tell them the American’s did it. Tell them how much he hated. They’d believe it because it was Face. And then, he could get the information they needed and get out before the palsy wore off.

 

  
“You guys are not paralyzing me!” Face’s voice rolled ominously but, Hannibal ignored him. He could feel the jazz taking over, leading him to the best solution to get the job done and get home safely.

 

  
“It’s just partial paralysis. Take it like a man.” Hannibal stifled a snicker at that and looked up.

 

  
“It would work. But, how to do it?”

 

  
“Antifreeze.” Murdock spoke once again. Calm and collected.

 

  
“But… That’s insane! You guys aren’t poisoning me with antifreeze!” Face’s voice was ignored by both Hannibal and Murdock. B.A. was laughing outrageously in the background.

 

  
“It would be easy enough. I could marinate a steak for him in just enough. All I’d have to do is test out the effectiveness of it in doses to make sure I don’t give him too much. You’d have to give me a few days to get an accurate measure.”

 

  
“And then, he could go in, tell his sob story, get accepted, fake kill B.A., get the documents and a helicopter ride and we’re out of there.”  
“Stop the jazz! You guys are NOT poisoning me!”

 

  
“Hannibal, I’m not going to fly with that fool. Not happening.”

 

  
Both of them were ignored by the men hammering out the rough outline of the plane. It was doable and seemed crazy enough to work. A week was a long time to hold off on an OP but, no one in brass would complain because no one else could do this mission.

 

  
“Are you listening to me!? I’m not eating some antifreeze marinade no matter how high on the jazz you guys are!” Face’s voice still didn’t break through their conversation. Later, Face would tell himself that it was okay. That he’d accepted the crazy happening. That when Murdock managed to drug his steak with antifreeze of all things and he didn’t know about it, that was just another day in the life. That was the first test.

 

  
The second test happened at breakfast. Murdock watched him closely but, he only had a little problem with paralysis. The third day, half of his face went numb but, it went away in a few hours. The fourth day, he ended up drooling on himself and not being able to move his face for an entire day. On the fifth day, he was given food, made up with some realistic looking scars and a real bruise courtesy of the “fool” fist and was given twenty-four hours. Murdock also gave him a “special” candy bar. That’s right, an antifreeze candy bar. He hated his life. At least everything Murdock gave him to eat tasted good. No one could put poison in food like Murdock in his damn “Kiss the Cook” apron.

 

  
The mission went as well as one of Hannibal’s missions are supposed to go. Meaning all of them were alive, B.A was unconscious, and they escaped mostly unscathed in the helicopter. No enemies shooting at them, no crazy maneuvers. Just an easy flight….

 

  
“Shitshitshit” Maybe this was worse than what Face thought if Murdock was swearing.

 

  
“Problems! Everyone hold on!” Suddenly, the cockpit was alive in beeps and warnings.  
“Captain…”

 

  
“Not now! Come on baby, don’t do this to me! Kuja juu. Kuja juu. Je kufanya hivi! Kazi(1)!” Face knew shit was going down when Murdock started speaking in another language with his southern accent.

 

  
“Hold on! This is going be a bitch of a ride!” His hands were flying over the controls, shifting things, trying to make the chopper run for as long as possible. Luckily, B.A. was out for the count.

 

  
“Hang tight! Shit! Gott, ich hoffe, das funktioniert(2)!” Suddenly the warning buttons stopped and the chopper went silent. He thought they hung for a minute before falling.

 

  
“Captain! What are you doing!”

 

  
“I’m not doing shit! The chopper decided to stop! Come on! Work! Lo juro por todo lo que es santo, si no se presenta de nuevo pedazo de mierda y yo me muero aquí, me voy a molestar a la mierda de todo el mundo! Encienda(3)!” Murdock’s voice is panicked over the headset and Face has never heard anything quite so horrifying. In that instant, he starts praying. They are going to die.

 

  
Murdock closed his eyes and waited. There would only be one shot at this. If this didn’t work, they were all dead. Fiery, no bodies remained, kind of dead. He waited till the last second after flooding the engine and howled as loud as he could with every bit of heart he could put into it and flipped the switch.

 

  
And there! The engine started back up and the bird was moving again! His howl came down and he could hear Face swearing and Hannibal cheering.

 

  
“Excellent work Captain! Now get us home.” Murdock threw a lazy salute back that betrayed the shaking in his hands and did just that.

 

  
“We ain’t completely outta the woods yet muchachos.” Murdock’s voice was rough from the howling and husky like a pack a day addiction. It sent warmth through Hannibal.

 

  
“We probably shouldn’t mention this to B.A.” Face smiled at Hannibal as he said it and Hannibal burst out laughing. There was an edge of hysteria there but, no one could blame him.

 

  
When they got back to the base, the chopper was smoking and leaning horribly. It was impressive that the thing was still in the air. Regardless, Murdock landed the thing gently. At the base though, he was furious.

 

  
“Where’s the General?” Morrison walked over slightly confused look in his eye.

 

  
“Here son, did you boys get shot at?” He took in the look of the battered plane and the manic glimmer in the Captain’s eye.

 

  
“No. We didn’t. Do you know what this was caused from? Faulty wiring. My team almost bit it because that fucking scrap heap over there never got fixed after the recall. Don’t even try and deny it because all the problems were outlined. The workers were told to check every single bird for the bad wires. All of them. Tell me, how did this one get missed?” The Captain was standing ramrod straight practically foaming with rage.

 

  
“I don’t know son.” Morrison wanted to see what he would do. Murdock was generally the most quiet, well spoken soldier he’d ever seen. Yes, he was a little erratic but, he’d never had any formal complaint about vocals.

 

  
“How about I give you a suggestion. And by suggestion I mean if you want my team in the air ever again, this gets accomplished. Those punk flyboys who did the last testing are mine. I’m going to make sure they never pull that stunt again. Afterwards, we are going to check every single motor in this lot until everything gleams like it just showed up.” The General was impressed. Murdock seemed to have no problem fighting against anyone for his team.

 

  
“Sounds like a good plan to me, Captain.” A couple of the boys around started to look a little worried.

 

  
“I want everyone grounded for the rest of the day and tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’ll take everyone here that has an able set of hands and wants to be around the planes and show them how to make sure they don’t kill someone less mad than me.” With that, Murdock threw a salute, turned heel, and walked away swiftly.

 

  
“Damn Hannibal, was it that bad?” Hannibal stared after the pilot and back at his General.

 

  
“You need to understand that I have never feared for my life when the Captain was flying. Not once. Not even today. But, yes, that is the closest we’ve come to dying ever. If we had had pursuit, we wouldn’t be alive.” With that, he took Face and B.A. back to their tents.

 

  
When they got there, Murdock was sitting outside with his guitar in hand. His hands were shaking but, he was still playing and singing. His voice was hard and his eyes seemed almost fevered.

 

 

  
“You show your pain like it really hurts  
And I can't even start to feel mine  
And I'm standing in place with my head first  
And I shake, I shake and I see your progress  
Stretched out for miles and miles  
You're laughing out loud at just the thought of being alive  
And I was wondering  
Could I just be you tonight?  
This is the sound that I make  
These are the words I chose  
But somehow the right thing to say  
Just won't come out, just won't come out  
And you're laughing out loud  
At just the thought of being alive  
And I was wondering  
Could I just be you tonight?”

 

 

  
His voice trailed off and Hannibal knew those grunts would never make a mistake like this again when Murdock was done with them. But, Hannibal had to do something about that haunted, dark look on his pilots face. He went into the tent that functioned as his office and grabbed the box he left there to surprise Murdock with. He was originally just going to leave it on the kid’s bunk but, Murdock needed some good right now.

 

  
“Here Captain, I got you something on behalf of Face.” Face looked at him confused and Murdock smiled.

 

  
“Oh! Present!” Some of his happiness was forced but, the darkness in his eyes was fading. He laughed when he pulled out the cleaned bottle of antifreeze. Hannibal had taped a piece of paper to it that said “Murdock’s Secret Sauce” with a poison sign.

 

  
“This is perfect!” Face groaned and Murdock clucked happily. Hannibal smiled to himself. His Captain was worth the bitching Face was going to subject him to for this.

 

 

Translating according to Google Translate:  
1)Swahili - Come on. Come on. Don’t do this! Work  
2) German – God, I hope this works!  
3) Spanish -I swear to all that is holy if you don't turn back on you piece of shit and I die here, I'm going to annoy the hell out of everyone! Turn on!


	5. God Blessed the Broken Road

B.A.’s grumbling almost interrupted his puppet show. He was on the second scene of Hamlet and refused to stop. Face was watching intently and Hannibal was facing forward looking uncomfortable. Murdock’s body was shaking but, he wasn’t going to stop now. The memories would drown him if he stopped.  
They had come for him. Broken him out of the ward in Germany and put him back in the cockpit. Trusted him and he got them shot down. The adrenalin and left over pills and shock treatment still coursing through his body stopped his previous breakdown but now, waiting for the right time to act gave him too much thought time. Maybe he should perform the play in Italian?

 

  
“Hannibal, we have to stop somewhere.” Face didn’t take his eyes off Murdock and he could see the worry in them.

 

  
“Yeah. The fool could use some rest and food.” B.A.’s voice was soft but, Murdock ignored him. He could do this. Just focus on the play.

 

  
Time skipped ahead and he was being pulled out of the van. He could do walking. Walking was fine. Hannibal led him into a hotel room and closer to a bed.  
“No! I’m not going. Not going to lie down. I can’t. I won’t. Not happening!” He didn’t realize he was talking until Hannibal answered him.

 

  
“Okay. How about sitting in a chair?” Hannibal pulled him gently towards one of the soft lounge chairs and he sat down. The socks were pulled off his hands but, Murdock couldn’t remember why that was a bad thing.

 

  
“Billy likes it here but, I think the room’s a little dark. I really think we should stop for burgers. I like the toys. I’m pretty sure the new McDonald’s toys are the Squinkies. I like them. They aren’t allowed on the unit though. Too small. Dangerous.” His muttering continues, nonsensical words just flowing while Hannibal orders the boys out. He hears something about food and clothes. Face asked a question. Hannibal nodded.

 

  
They left and time got away from him again. He saw Face enter with some clothes and a case. Left again. Hannibal beside him. Running fingers through his hair. He wants to tell him not to do that. That he’s dirty and needs a shower. Showers in the unit were only every other day and Murdock hated that. Would do whatever they wanted in order to get extra shower time. Hannibal says something but, Murdock can’t hear him. Too many drugs are fighting for control after the adrenalin rush. Too many drugs and too many demons. He could have probably done okay with the crash if it had been one of the other but, he was withdrawing hard and he hadn’t had to deal with ECT for eight years.

 

  
He’s babbling again, he can feel the words slipping out and he wonders what he’s saying. It’s probably all nonsense but, he tries to focus on his voice. It’s a soothing rhythm of escapism that he’s used several times when people get too close.

 

  
He babbles, stops, Hannibal answers something, babbles again. Are they talking about something? He tries to clue in a little more. What is his body doing? He’d enjoy a shower and some clothes with a belt and a snap. Maybe some boots. And his precious guitar. Or a guitar. He wasn’t that picky. The one his grandparents had given him is long destroyed but, there’s something about holding a guitar that makes him feel that he’ll be okay. Not as good as a plane but, it’s something that works on the ground

 

  
He standing and he’s not sure when that happened but, Hannibal is leading him so, he doesn’t really care. He’d follow Hannibal to the death so, it doesn’t matter. He could probably even be coaxed onto the bed now if Hannibal was close enough. But, they pass the bed and walk into the bathroom. Hands are coaxing his body to move and he lets it follow along. Hannibal can take care of the body while he floats here. He feels disconnected from his body and wonders if this is what the doctors thought he was doing in Mexico. It’s not a pleasant thought or feeling so, he tries to tune into his body a little more.

 

  
He’s not talking at the moment but, Hannibal is helping him into a bath tub. He realizes he’s naked with a burning sense of shame. When did that happen? Hannibal’s hands are touching his hair, pushing gently and he feels the water around him. It’s warm and Murdock enjoys the hands washing his hair. He wants to thank the man but, can’t find the energy to speak. He tries to lift his hand instead and after the third attempt, he manages to put it around Hannibal’s wrist and squeeze gently before letting it fall again. Hannibal smiles at him, warmer than the water could ever be and speaks to him. It’s an anchoring feeling, having Hannibal’s voice wash over him and his hands scrubbing the hospital from his skin.

 

  
When he’s pulled out, Hannibal dries him off gently and dresses him in a pair of boxers, sleep pants and a shirt. He looks down and realizes all of it is new. His hair is brushed gently and he gets taken back into the main room. B.A. and Face are there with bags and something that smells fantastically greasy and real. He can feel his mouth water as the aroma hits it and he realizes he’s saying something. Bitching about the food at the hospital. He sounds normal. B.A. looks relieved but, Face and Hannibal knows the worst isn’t over yet.

 

  
He’s sitting and eating and the body is smiling. Until the first tremor hits. He stiffens against it. Screaming in his head. No! They’ll send him back! He feels a hand prying his mouth open, something fabric behind shoved in and realizes he’s twitching on the ground. His head is throbbing, his body aches and he can feel all of it. It burns and he realizes he’s crying.

 

  
He feels so heavy but, when he opens his eyes, he can see his friends. Bosco is angry and he knows it’s because he feels helpless. Face is concerned but, smiles when he sees his eyes. Face could always tell when he was “behind the wheel”. Hannibal though, Hannibal looks guilty. He coughs out the fabric and convinces his body to sit up. It follows reluctantly with the help Face’s hands provide and he checks the damage. He feels as weak as a kitten and knows that he’s going to have nightmares tonight. But, the withdrawal is moving along well and in a few days, he’ll be functioning crazy again.

 

  
“How’s it going muchachos?” He smiles and feels the relief in his friends. All except Hannibal. He’s got a pensive look on his face and Murdock is worried. What if this is it? The time Hannibal realizes that pulling Murdock out was a mistake and he should just take him back.

 

  
“You had me worried there buddy.” Face is looking at him carefully. He knows Face is waiting to see what he says. Is it Murdock or someone else? Who does Murdock want to be today? He takes a breath and decides to trust his friends.

 

  
“I haven’t done ECT in so long. Between that and the pills, everything was a little fuzzy.” He spoke softly but, they knew. They could read between the lines. That this past six months was a new level of hell. That he was a little broken right now but, he’d be fine. With time.

 

  
“I didn’t know. I thought they were sending you to a good place. The unit had good reviews. I’m so sorry buddy… You know I would’ve moved heaven and hell to make sure you were safe. The doctors assured me that it was the best place though.” Face looked like hell.

 

  
“It was a good place Facey. Fed decent food every day. No grabby techs or doctors. You couldn’t have known about the ECT. It was okay. I just wasn’t prepared for all of it. And then you guys busting me out had my heart pumping and the plane crash and well, I crashed.” He’s pretty sure this is the longest conversation they’ve had about his issues. Yeah, Bosco called him crazy at least once a day and Face often encouraged his fantasies but, they had never really discussed the big issues. Rangers don’t talk about their feelings kind of thing.

 

  
“But, you’re gonna be alright, right crazy?” Murdock was shocked. It must have taken a lot out of B.A. to say something like that. He was solid like a rock in presence but, he rarely used the English language to betray his feelings.

 

  
“Yeah big guy, I’m going to be fine. Gotta get this garbage out of my system and I’ll be fine.”

 

  
“What about that seizure?” Hannibal’s voice was calm and Murdock worried about his future on the team again.

 

  
“I was treated before you guys broke me out and I didn’t get the last dose of stabilizer. It’ll be fine though because it shouldn’t happen again. Just the shock on my system.” He giggled a bit at that and Face shoved gently at his shoulder.

 

  
“Can we try that eating thing again? I’m starving. Me and Billy haven’t seen a cheeseburger in months.” Face’s smile widened as he helped Murdock to his feet. He wasn’t really hungry but, the food would give the guys something to do.

 

  
“Ain’t no dog, fool.” B.A. smiled his little crinkle at the side smile as he stood too. Hannibal followed but, didn’t join into the mirth of the conversation.  
After the food, Face looked antsy. Hannibal hadn’t really said anything the entire meal and Face had that kicked puppy look he got when his “dad” ignored him. Murdock knew he blamed himself and there was nothing he could do to convince Face that it wasn’t his fault. All the doctors wanted him for ECT because he had such a high tolerance. They wanted to burn the spark right out of him. He looked at Hannibal (still pensive), B.A. (solid but scared), and Face (still guilty) and knew he had to fix it. He had to put them back together after the past six months.

 

  
“Facey, you think you could get me my meds? Same ones as always. It’d help.” Face perked up and Murdock knew he was just throwing himself under the bus. He didn’t want to be here alone with Hannibal but, Face needed some way to prove he was back and make up for Germany.  
“That’s a sound idea. You and B.A. handle that and you two can take the other room. I’m going to look over the plans.” Both guys nodded and took their trash, leaving Murdock with the one man who could push him out of this reality.

 

  
“Whatsup bossman? You been real quiet all night since the incident.” Murdock’s drawl came out harder with his worry. This was his only family. He had no one else in the world.

 

  
Hannibal looked at him and Murdock saw that same pensive, worried look.

 

  
“Are you… are you happy here? With us?” Hannibal’s words were halting and spoken softly. Murdock had never seen him look so beaten.  
“You guys are my family. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” Murdock reached out and took Hannibal’s hand. “Please don’t send me away. I just want to be here. I know I’m not really coping right now and I get that I’m crazy but, don’t send me away. Please. I can’t go back to before you.” His voice broke and he dropped his head. God he sounded pathetically weak.

 

  
Hannibal looked shocked when he grew enough balls to look up. He didn’t blame him. Most people had problems with his crazy.

 

  
“Murdock… I’ll… I’m…. I’m not going to send you away son. You’re part of the team. I’m sorry we couldn’t get you out any sooner.” Murdock didn’t know what to say. He would have waited forever if it meant Hannibal was going to pull him out.

 

  
“I’m so sorry.” Hannibal dropped his head to his hands. He looked older then Murdock had ever seen him before. Murdock wasn’t sure what to say. There was nothing to forgive.

 

  
“Hannibal… I would’ve waited forever for you. I would spend six years in a ward for six days with you guys. You make me feel real again. I couldn’t make it without you.” Hannibal looked at him strangely and Murdock wondered if he finally said too much. If Hannibal knew he loved him.

 

  
“Face, uh, Face brought you some things.” That was the Colonel in him speaking and he gestured to the bed. Murdock knew that meant he needed a few minutes to figure himself out. He stood and looked at the large case smiling in pleasure. He knew what this was! He pulled out the guitar and busied himself by stringing it and tuning it by ear. It gave him time to understand that the slow, potential romance he thought he might have with Hannibal was gone. All those looks Murdock could only define as loving would be gone. The nights of sitting up and talking were tainted with his insanity. He almost wanted to turn himself in. Go some place and let them drug him out of existence until he felt nothing. Instead, he pulled himself on the bed, put his back against the headboard and strummed the guitar. It felt fantastic in his hands.

 

  
He played quietly while Hannibal sorted his thoughts out.

 

  
“Murdock… H.M., did you mean it?” His voice was soft and he didn’t lift his head to ask the question.

 

  
“Mean what Hannibal?” Murdock was scared. Were they actually going to talk about the attraction they had for each other?  
“That you couldn’t make it without me?” He still wouldn’t look at Murdock.

 

  
“Yeah. I meant it Hannibal.”

 

  
“Murdock…” His name, whispered on Hannibal’s lips motivated him to move. He had to try. If this failed, he could deal with it then but, if he never tried, he’d hate himself.

 

  
“Hannibal.” His voice was light, teasing as he got closer. There was a panicked look in Hannibal’s eyes but, he ignored it, screwed his courage up as tight as he could, and kissed Hannibal.

 

  
Hannibal became wild under his lips, pulling him in close and wrapping his arms tight around the pilot. Murdock could feel the whimpers being pulled from Hannibal and he groaned, deep and throaty at this intelligent, dominant male clinging to him. He pulled back and stared into blown slate eyes.  
“H.M….”

 

  
“James, Hannibal.” Murdock kissed the side of his mouth and smiled.

 

  
“John, James.” Hannibal’s smile was ear to ear and he kissed Murdock again.

 

  
“Wait Murdock, James, what are we doing here? Is this… Is this just sex?” Hannibal’s voice was rough from the kissing and Murdock had to shake his head to focus.

 

“I.. I’d like more to tell you the truth.”

 

  
“I would too. I’ve uh, I’ve loved you for quite some time now.” Hannibal’s admission was soft and Murdock thought his chest would explode.  
“Since Mexico, sir.” Hannibal’s head jerked up staring.

 

  
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Murdock ducked his head.

 

  
“You are, well, you. And I’m the guy you broke out of a psych ward in fucknowhere Mexico. It wasn’t much of a contest on the “you deserve someone better unrequited romance” scale.” Murdock was surprised when Hannibal jerked up and kissed him hard.

 

  
“Listen to me Captain, you are the best pilot the military has ever had the honor of having. You are smart, strong, and funny. I’d have never been able to pull off any of the missions without having you there to back me up. The team would never be able to function without you. If you find yourself doubting your worth again, come see me. I will do everything in my power to make sure you understand what you mean to me and the team.” Murdock nodded, feeling as good as he did back in Mexico when Hannibal told him that being a Ranger was “Good enough for me.”

 

  
They fell asleep holding each other.

 

 

 

“Here buddy, I got you a three month fill for everything. Just in case. That’s just like you, open the guitar and leave the clothes. Did you even check these? It looks like you lost a bit of weight so, they might hang some but, we got you a belt so, it should be fine.” Murdock laughed at Face as he pulled the pair of jeans and a few shirts out, packing them in a backpack for ease of movement. B.A. tossed a box at him.

 

  
“Saw Face didn’t get you shoes earlier and figured I’d pick them up for you.” He opened the box and a pair of black Chuck Taylor’s greeted him.

 

“Thanks Bosco! These are great!” Of course Bosco remembered that converse was his favorite shoe brand.

 

“So, what’s the plan bossman?” Face settled into a chair and Murdock was struck with home. He was safe. He was loved. And he had his family back.

 

 

 

Between the betrayal of Morrison and Lynch and all of the nonsense after, he and Hannibal hadn’t gotten any more time alone. Now, they were fugitives on the run. His life.

 

Looking at the guys right now, he couldn’t imagine a better life. They were stuck, with nothing but the clothes on their backs and the stuff in their pockets, out in the woods, a couple of hundred miles away from civilization. And yet, Murdock couldn’t really remember being much happier.

 

“So now what?” Face’s voice was rough and he knew he was taking it hard. He loved the military and couldn’t handle the second betrayal. Planning for it, yes but, he didn’t think it would actually happen.

 

“We head for the vehicle we left out it here for just this occasion and we go to ground. We’ll figure it out from the safe house.” Hannibal seemed calm and collected but, Murdock could see the day wearing on him. Hannibal and Face really did plan for everything.

 

They made it to the vehicle with no problems and took off heading out of the state. They drove in silence all afternoon and only stopped once for gas and food. Murdock was twitching with manic energy but, forced it down as best as he could. The guys needed peace so, instead of coping his normal way, he twisted around to the bag of his stuff that was in the back and pulled out a bottle. He popped the cap and stared at the little blue pills. He remembered the tense faces and dark expressions and shook out two pills. He couldn’t be manic right now and he didn’t have the luxury of babbling. The guys needed him sane and quiet so, he took the pills without complaint. He tossed the bottle back in with the others and pushed his bag back down.

 

“I’m going to be sleeping soon. It’ll be a few hours before I’ll wake but, I’m fine.” Murdock didn’t want them to worry. These pills kicked his ass into sleep and he’d be out for at least four hours. He hoped that would give them enough quiet time because he could feel the shadows creeping.

 

No one acknowledged his words and he worried if he was even still there. What if he was imagining everything? He could still be back in Mexico, drooling on himself, tied to a chair. What if all of this, Hannibal, Face, and B.A. was all a delusion. What if he was the delusion? Those thoughts chased him into the dark, suffocating medicated sleep.

 

When he woke again, it was morning and they were still driving. He was lying down on his side and his head was pillowed in something warm and soft. There was a hand carding through his hair and he realized he was in someone’s lap. He could see B.A. driving and Face staring at the road which left Hannibal.  
Hannibal, who was staring down at him with a gentle expression. Hannibal, whose hand continued stroking through his long messy hair.

 

“Good morning.” Murdock stared, trying to shove off the medication.

 

“Wha?” He shook his head again trying to focus. He couldn’t clear the cobwebby feeling in his mind. Was this real? Where were they? How did Hannibal get into the back seat?

 

“You okay Murdock?” There was Face’s voice, concerned, from the front seat. What time was it? How long had he been out? He shook his head again trying to clear his thoughts. God, those pills always did a number on him.

 

A hand, gently stroking his face brought him back down. He looked into Hannibal’s eyes and saw the concern. The gentle hand floating on his face felt anchoring and he convinced a few more of his thoughts in order.

 

“Sorry. Those pills make waking up a bit rough.” His voice was soft and Hannibal nodded like he understood.

 

“Why did you take them?” Face never had any problems asking questions he didn’t want to answer.

 

“You guys needed some quiet and I wasn’t going to be able to give it to you.” He forced himself out of the comfort of Hannibal’s lap and met B.A.’s eyes in the rear view.

 

“So you drugged yourself?” Face sounded angry and Murdock didn’t understand why. It wasn’t a big deal. They needed peace he couldn’t give them so, he took the pills that would give it to them.’

 

“Murdock… James.” He jerked at Hannibal’s use of his first name. “You didn’t have to do that.”

 

“I was feeling manic and antsy and trapped and no one needed my babbling. Everybody had a bad time so, I took my sleeping pills and let you guys have some peace. It’s not a thing.” Why didn’t they believe him? Why were they looking at him like that? It wasn’t a big deal.

 

“Crazy fool.” Bosco didn’t say it with his normal warmth and Murdock was confused.

 

“It’s not a big deal guys. It’s not the first time I’ve had to take something in order to be there for you guys. I did it willingly.”

 

“You shouldn’t have to!” Face’s voice was tight with anger and Murdock almost laughed at the insanity of it all. What was this about?

 

“Guys, what is this all about? I mean, I know yesterday was rough but…” Hannibal cuts him off.

 

“This isn’t about what happened. It’s about you thinking it’s okay to drug yourself for us.” Murdock looked at Hannibal confused. His confusion must have been obvious because Hannibal sighed. “You didn’t have to take anything you didn’t want to. We would have let you get out the energy. You didn’t have to do that.” His voice was soft and pleading.

 

“I know that. I know I didn’t have to. You guys weren’t forcing me to do it. I chose to. Like the other times I’ve chosen to take those pills. I’m able to make some decisions for myself and taking those pills to give you guys some peace on the drive was one of them. Face, I did it because I wanted to. Hannibal, I know I didn’t have to. I did it because it helped.” Face huffed and Hannibal just looked at him with that same gentle look.

 

“Hannibal, how many times have you avoided lighting up a cigar because Face’s asthma was acting up? Face, how many times have you scammed a vehicle for B.A. to work on? Bosco, how many times have you let me hang out in the garage without complaint because I couldn’t be alone? We all do things for each other. Even when they aren’t necessarily what we want to do. That’s what family does. And if I have to take two little blue pills that I don’t necessarily like so you guys can have some peace and quiet for a little while, then I’m going to do it. And count myself lucky that I have friends who will do things for me.” Face looked more relieved and Bosco flashed his tight smile in the rear view. Hannibal put his hands in Murdock’s.

 

“You’re right buddy. I’m sorry. I just never want you to feel like we don’t accept all of you. Even the crazy.” Murdock laughed.

 

“I know that Facey. You guys are my family. So, where are we going?” He listened as they told him of a little cabin they were going to stay at. Hannibal’s hands never left his and at some point, his fingers were massaging Hannibal’s strong palms.

 

He entertained them while they drove the last five hours. He quoted movies and plays, told jokes, and created the warmth teasing they always shared. When they made it to the little cabin, the other three were smiling and relaxed again. Murdock yawned into his hand as he grabbed his bag and guitar from the back and waited for the others to grab their things. They were used to living out of bags.

 

The cabin was nice and homey. It had a kitchen, living room, and two medium bedrooms. It was nicer than some of the places they stayed at and they had cable. It was out in the woods and Hannibal mentioned that no one would know they were even there. He had rented it under a fake I.D. and paid for it with a money order.  
Hannibal and Murdock dropped their things in the first bedroom while B.A. and Face took the second. Hannibal let Face and Bosco go into the town that was about an hour out to get supplies after Face complained about not having the right shampoo for thirty minutes straight and B.A. refused to let Face take his new van.

 

“So, what’re we gonna do?” Murdock asked Hannibal. The two of them had found their way to the living room and were piled on the couch with the television on the news. “We can’t stay here forever and if those two don’t have something to do, they are going to crack.”

 

“Well, I was thinking we’d go rogue. We could help the people who couldn’t help themselves.”

 

“Soldiers of fortune kind of thing?” Murdock liked the sound of that. It could be fun.

 

“Kind of. We don’t really need the money, Face and I have enough accounts spread out with the money he invested that we could all four live on without any problems but, you are right. We’d go crazy without something worthwhile to do. And I’m not ready to retire.”

 

“Sounds like a plan bossman. The guys will like it.” Hannibal nodded and looked at Murdock closely.

 

“What about you Captain?”

 

“Aw shucks, worrying about little ole me?” His voice was Scarlett O’Hara worthy. “Honestly Colonel, I don’t care what we do as long as I’m with you.” He yawned again and realized how drained he felt. Hannibal opened his arms and Murdock leaned into him gratefully. They shifted until Hannibal was leaning against both the back of the couch and arm rest and Murdock was stretched out with his head pillowed against Hannibal’s chest. Murdock was warm and couldn’t help but fall asleep.

 

 

The helicopter was a beautiful creature. She was fine lines and handled as sweet as sugar. She was a classy lady and Murdock knew how to keep her happy. Hannibal was laughing about something Face said in the back and Bosco was grumbling good naturedly. She was a princess under his hands and he glanced back to smile at the Colonel. Who was kissing Face. A romantic, intense, loving, was supposed to be only for him kiss. Bosco caught his eye and smirked.

 

“You thought he loved you? Why would he love a crazy fool like you when he could have Face. I mean, look at him and look at you. He’s gorgeous and you are some reject.” Murdock could feel the tears prickling his eyes when the explosion racked the aircraft. It was just like the last time. The chopper was going down and there was nothing he could do about it. They were going to die and Face had Hannibal’s arms wrapped around him.

 

“Look at what you’ve done, you useless thing! I should have never pulled you out of that hospital! You are so pathetic!” The venom in Hannibal’s voice made him whimper and try and curl into himself. There was nothing he could do. They were dead men and Hannibal hated him. Honestly, he was glad he was going to die. Having Hannibal hate him would have killed him without the crash.

 

“Murdock!” That strong voice rang through the falling, burning helicopter and he winced. His mind was playing tricks on him. The person connected to that voice hated him so, it wasn’t concern he was hearing.

 

“Come on James! Wake up.” He heard the voice again and forced himself to look up. The scene in the back hadn’t changed. Face and Hannibal embraced and B.A. laughing at him. But, he forced himself to look at the controls again. They had changed. The gauges were reading normal and the damage had disappeared. He put his hands on the controls again, forgetting the scene in the back and started flying again.

 

“Wake up, Captain!” The voice sounded desperate so, he landed the chopper and jumped out, still avoiding the back. When his feet touched the ground, the helicopter disappeared.

 

His eyes opened and there was Hannibal, staring at him with worry and fear.

 

“Are you okay?” Hannibal’s hands were pulling him closer and holding him tighter and Murdock lost it. The tears fell like rain and he buried his head into Hannibal’s shirt. Hannibal whispered comforting words into his hair and he couldn’t stop the tears.

 

“Is he okay?” That was Face’s voice. He couldn’t bring himself to be ashamed of the tears or the way he clinged to Hannibal.

 

“He’s going to be fine. It was just a nightmare. Why don’t you guys go finish putting up the food?” Murdock heard both Face and B.A. agree and leave. Hannibal pulled him up and half carried half force marched him to the room they were sharing. He didn’t look at Hannibal once. The shame had finally caught up to him.

 

“Sorry.” His voice was small as Hannibal pulled off the wet shirt and pulled him onto the bed. Hannibal shook his head and pulled him close.

 

“I love you James. No one else. You are all there is for me.” Murdock looked up, shocked. “You talked in your nightmare. Do you want to talk about it?” Murdock shook his head. He wanted to forget it ever happened.

 

Hannibal pulled his head up and made Murdock meet his eyes. He stared deeply and Murdock felt the siren’s call of Hannibal force his obedience. Hannibal was a great leader and Murdock felt his soul, and even his madness, quiet to listen to this man.

 

“I love you James H.M. Murdock and no one will ever take your place. You are beautiful, a fantastic pilot, and the only person in my life. I’ll never leave you alone.” Murdock felt his body curl around the words, felt his mind taking them in and engraving them on his soul. He could sing! To feel this loved, to have this focused, determined man staring at him like he was valuable. It made some of his cracks close and filled him up with light. He leaned forward and kissed the Colonel with everything he had.

 

After the kiss, he grabbed his guitar. Hannibal smiled indulgently at him and he plucked a few of the strings. Now it was time to show Hannibal how much he loved him.

 

“I set out on a narrow way, many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road  
But I got lost a time or two  
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through  
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are  
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars  
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms  
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you”

 

 

Murdock slept wrapped around Hannibal all night.


	6. Vanilla Twilight

The soldiers of fortune thing really worked for them those first six months. They had a great time avoiding the military and helping the little guys. Sometimes they took jobs for the money, others for the pleasure of helping, and a few, like this one, for the sheer challenge of it.

 

  
It started off great. Lots of jazz flowing and energy high. No serious danger but, enough that Bosco smiled some and Face dressed up for the occasion. Hannibal was holding onto a cigar for the conclusion and Murdock was hoping he might be able to convince the boss to celebrate in another way.  
But, that was before the gang showed up. Before he was running to the chopper he wasn’t supposed to need until tomorrow. Before he and the others touched off the ground about 30 seconds before getting shot at. Again.

 

When they escaped into the air, Murdock thought that was it. They’d get away, come back and handle the gang, and the mission would be a success. That was until the ground to air missile hit the helicopter and the military showed up.

 

Luckily, the missile missed the important bits and the military wasn’t interested in killing them, just getting them to land. It was dark but, Murdock had been pouring over a map of the area for the past three hours so, he didn’t bother turning on any of the lights. Anything that might be able to get them away would help.

 

“What are we going to do Hannibal?” Face’s voice was worried but loud enough to hear over the gun fire.

 

“I don’t know kid. I don’t know.” Hannibal sounded tired and Murdock was worried. This wasn’t good. He hadn’t anticipated this. It wasn’t supposed to be adangerous mission. And then, one of the guns from behind them shot the secondary fuel tank. Well, there’s the danger.

 

“You good back there?” His voice was shaky from the hit but, was relieved when they answered.

 

“Face! Get that door open! There’s a lake about a half mile from here, muchachos. I’m going to get us over it, drop the chopper, and you guys are going to jump.” Murdock forced his voice to stay steady. They had to do this and he only had a few seconds to convince them. Already their voices raised in protest. All three of them.

 

“No arguing. Either you’re jumping or I’ll throw you out myself. We only have one shot at this!” Murdock put as much steel in his voice as he could. They had to do this. No choice.

 

“What about you?” He smiled because he knew they would do it.

 

“I’ll set the bird down and let them arrest me. You guys can break me out.” Of course, that wasn’t the plan but, they needed to think he’d be safe. “Alright, no more questions. Drop in one minute.” He heard them prepping behind him and he stalled out the helicopter.

 

“NOW!” He watched the three slip out professionally as he turned the chopper back on. The noise covered the splashes and his jerky motions would cover the visuals. He took the chopper back up to altitude and rushed the military choppers. Here’s the part of the plan they wouldn’t like. Murdock smiled grimly to himself as he took the fire. He had to give them enough time to escape.

 

“What are you doing! Murdock!” He couldn’t tell the differences between the voices yelling at him. All three were talking at once and he could just make them out over the warnings screaming over the helicopter.

 

“I love you, John. Sorry for crashing the chopper.” And with that, he threw his head set out of the chopper and howled long and loud, firing his own weapons at the military birds. He wasn’t aiming to do damage but, instead, to keep their attention. He wanted this crash to be a fantastic sight. As the helicopters fired with a more deadly intent, he flooded the engine with gas. One shot. That’s all he’d get. One chance. He was the best for a reason. When the bullet hit the engine, he tore out of the cockpit. He jumped from the still open door and prayed he had done this right. Hitting the tree hurt. Hitting the water after the tree hurt worse. Hitting the bottom of the river that fed into the lake made him loose his breath. He fought his way back to the top as the helicopter made it’s fiery descent. He sent a good bye to it and struggled into a half dead man’s float and half doggy paddle down the river.

 

It took about ten minutes to reach the lake and in that time, his entire body ached. He was pretty sure his arm was broken from the tree, his ankle cracked from the water and at least three ribs from the river floor. Luckily though, he managed to hold on to his focus and drag his body out of the water. Now he had to find Hannibal and the others. He tried to stand but, there was no part of his body that would allow that. Instead, he dragged himself into a sitting position against one of the willow trees beside the river.

 

Fuck. He was so close to surviving this crash too. Now though, he was stuck here and would not be moving anytime soon. He figured the police would find him. Maybe even before he starved to death. At least the others were safe. He coughed some and blood speckled in front of him. Alright, maybe someone would find him before he bled out. He laughed at that thought. They wouldn’t be able to check the helicopter for bodies before he bled out. He was dead. He shrugged gently. As long as Hannibal was safe, he didn’t care. He coughed a bit more and started to sing. He was interrupted every few verses by coughs but, he didn’t stop.

 

 

“The stars lean down to kiss you  
And I lie awake and miss you  
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly  
But I'll miss your arms around me  
I'd send a postcard to you, dear  
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue  
But it's not the same without you  
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad  
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad  
'Cause the spaces between my fingers  
Are right where yours fit perfectly.”

 

 

 

“Did you hear that?” Hannibal’s voice pulled him from his pained singing. What were the chances that Hannibal was near him? Impossible to unlikely?

 

“Murdock!” Face’s voice. Well, for a change his mind was going to be nice to him. Hearing their voices would make this whole dying thing much nicer. He kept singing gently.

 

“Be quiet fools!” Bosco was there too! How pleasant. Now if only he could see them. He almost clapped in joy when Hannibal’s grey eyes found him. Of course, he couldn’t move.

 

“Murdock? Holy shit buddy. I can’t believe you are alive!” Face followed along with B.A.

 

“Hey guys. Sorry about that whole lying thing. I wasn’t going to let this be our last rodeo though. I needed to make sure you would make it out.” The last bit, he said staring at Hannibal. He coughed again, more blood and cringed. The outside of his vision was going dark. He hated the dark.

 

“Hannibal… He’s hurt real bad.” When did Face get so close? His imagination was pulling out all the stops tonight. “We gotta get out of here Hannibal. He needs a doctor.” The next thing he knows, he’s being gently pulled onto a makeshift carrier. B.A. has the front and Face has the back of it. He lets them carry him away.

 

 

 

The next time he finds his way out, he’s in a car. They are speeding down a road and he’s in different clothes. When did that happen? Hannibal has his head in his lap and he’s been bandaged up a bit. Hannibal is crying and Murdock tried lifting an arm but ends up making a sound causing Hannibal to look down.

 

“Murdock! How are you feeling?” He wants to answer but, that darkness is tugging him down again.

 

 

 

“Hannibal, I think he might actually survive this.” The words are foggy but, it’s the first thing he recognizes. He’s on a bed, in a room, and actually feels pretty good in comparison to the last couple of times. He tries to say something but, there’s only a croak. Both men turn and face him.

 

“How are you feeling son?” Hannibal’s voice is warm and comforting but Murdock can see the strain on his face.

 

“Ha’i’al” A straw is brought down to his lips and he sips the water offered gratefully.

 

“How’s that?” The other man asked softly.

 

“Better.” His voice is rough but, it’s understandable.

 

“You gave us quite the scare there. You are lucky to be alive right now.” That was the doctor’s voice. Or who Murdock assumed was the doctor.

 

“What happened?” That was Hannibal again.

 

“Couldn’t let you guys get caught. Took the chopper around and gave them something to pay attention to. Jumped out before it went. Hit a tree before the river which wasn’t as deep as I’d’ve hoped. Floated downstream till I could pull myself out. You found me after.” His words were short and by the end, he was panting.

 

“Well, the tree probably caused the broken arm and various bruises while the water caused the ribs and ankle. Your lungs were pierced by your lower left rib and you almost died a few times as I drained it. You are very lucky to be alive.” The doctor had a warm voice and Murdock felt himself drift back into sleep listening to it.

 

He did survive this crash after all.


End file.
